Hi mama,
Next week, Ollie starts childcare, and my heart already feels too small for all the emotions inside it.
I’ve been there twice now, staying for an hour each time. I watched him explore, and instead of relaxing, my mind raced through every possible danger. The sand he’ll try to eat. The crumbs on the floor that will go straight into his mouth. The sharp corners of furniture he might bump his head on.
And then there’s the fact that the carers are looking after several kids at once. They can’t hold him every time he pulls up on something wobbly. They can’t hover around him the way I do. He’s such a happy, content little boy — the kind that won’t cry for attention, the kind who might wander quietly into a corner and find something small to put in his mouth.
That terrifies me.
Maybe writing this is my way of calming my nerves. Maybe it’s me asking for someone to say, “It’s going to be okay.” But right now, I’m scared. I’m crying just thinking about all the things that could go wrong.
And yet, I know this step matters. For Ollie, it’s a chance to play, to learn, to meet new little friends. For me, it’s a chance to breathe, to trust, to practice letting go (even just a little).
I’m still scared. But I’m also trying to believe that this is the beginning of something good for both of us.
With a trembling but hopeful heart,
Renata (Ollie’s Mum) 💛