Hi mama,
I knew going back to work after having Ollie would be emotional, but I didn’t expect it to feel like this.
I feel like I’m standing on both sides of the fence at once:
- On one side, I want to reclaim a part of my old life — to use my brain in a different way, to be “me” again, not just “mum.”
- On the other side, I’m terrified to leave him with anyone else.
And it’s not just a little worry. It’s full-blown fear:
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What if he misses me and cries for hours?
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What if he gets hurt?
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What if no one sees him the way I do, the way I know when he needs a cuddle or when he’s hungry?
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What if other kids are mean to him? Or what if he’s mean to other kids?
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What if he gets sick? (Which, let’s be honest, will probably happen, because kids share everything — including germs.)
And then there’s the guilt. The guilt of leaving him so I can go “back to my life” and the guilt of wanting that life at all. I hate myself a little for craving adult conversations, hot coffee at a desk, and tasks that don’t involve diapers or nap schedules. But I also hate the thought of him looking for me and I’m not there.
Here’s what I keep reminding myself (on good days, anyway):
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I’m not leaving him because I don’t love him; I’m leaving because I do.
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Going back to work is also for him — for our family, for our future.
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He’s stronger and more adaptable than I give him credit for.
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And so am I.
I’m still scared, and I think that’s okay. Maybe all mums feel this when it’s time to take that next step. The fear and guilt are part of the transition — but so is growth, for both of us.
From one nervous, guilty, hopeful mum to another,
Renata (Ollie’s mum) 💛